Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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