If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
