I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
