I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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