on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
