I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
