there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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