I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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