im six kinds of drunk right now
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
