I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
