Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
