im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
