I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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