Im at strip club and am horny
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I wear drunk well.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
