So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I came so hard my ears popped.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
