My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
