I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I have tasted many bathrooms
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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