Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
