we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
