Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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