the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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