I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
