My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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