So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
