nut hugger
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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