I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city