i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.