just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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