my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
