he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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