Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
