I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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