I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Randomize
