my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
