My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
