I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
40s are totally the cure
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
