it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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