I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
