Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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