tonight lets celebrate not being married
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
