I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
