WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
