Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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