i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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