I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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