my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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