I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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