whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
