8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
