I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
