mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
