Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
