My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
