Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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