something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
