I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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