Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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