The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The air was thick with penises
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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