I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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